


Intimacy

by lowkeyamen



Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drug Use, Fluff, I'm Sorry, Kinda, M/M, Non-Graphic Suicide Mention, Songfic, alternative universe, collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-08-24 08:43:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8365708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lowkeyamen/pseuds/lowkeyamen
Summary: Let's stay in, let the TV be our starsSongfics





	1. Soon We'll Be Found | jenisol

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally a standalone songfic, but i decided to group all of my songfics together in one piece of work. it seemed less messy than having so many short pieces as a series.  
> these songfics will include a load of different pairings/relationships and probably a bunch of different groups too!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Let's not fight, I'm tired, can't we just sleep tonight?_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Sia - Soon We'll Be found (Some People Have Real Problems, 2008)  
> Kim ' Jenissi' Taeyang / Kim Hansol (TOPPDOGG)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so emo i'm so emo i'm sorry https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1x8DMfbYN4

_come along, it is the break of day._  
_surely now, you'll have some things to say._  
_it's not the time for telling tales on me._

 

Hansol rolled onto his side, stretching out his stiff limbs. His eyes snapped open as he realised the blankets beside him were cold. His pulse raced. 

"Jesus Christ, Taeyang." The brunette was sitting cross-legged on the edge of their bed, hood pulled up, staring back at him. "You scared me."

"Sorry." Taeyang's voice was small, tight. He had been crying again. "I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep."

Hansol glanced at the alarm clock on his bedside table. 5:30. He patted the space next to him, inviting Taeyang to lie back down. 

The elder crawled over, burying himself under the sheets, curling into Hansol's warmth, head tucked under the blonde's chin so he couldn't see the teary sheen that coated his face. 

"Do you want to talk?"

Taeyang shook his head against Hansol's chest, causing the younger to sigh. Taeyang never wanted to talk. 

"Tae..." Hansol's voice was stern. He knew Taeyang hated talking about how he was feeling, but he had to. He had to let Hansol know what was going on in his head. It was the only way he could help. "You have to stop shutting me out."

He felt Taeyang flinch in his arms at the austere tone, instantly regretting the way he had spoken to the elder. 

"Tae..."

"Let's not fight. I'm tired, can't we just sleep tonight?" Taeyang hated arguing with Hansol, he knew how nasty he could get and the last thing he wanted was for the blonde to feel as shitty as he did. 

Hansol held the grey bundle close, pressing a soft kiss to his hooded head, breathing out a _'sure, baby'_ against the worn material. 

"I'm sorry." Taeyang's voice was barely above a whisper as he spoke into Hansol's shirt. "I wish you'd just leave."

Hansol's heart lurched. "I've told you, I'm not gonna leave you, Taeyang."

The brunette snaked his arms around Hansol's waist, sniffling into his neck. "I've completely ruined you. You need to just let me go."

Hansol could never do that. He worried what Taeyang would do to himself if he were left alone. But he couldn't deny that his own happiness had been hindered over the past couple of years. 

They argued, a lot. Taeyang would go days without speaking to him. Weeks without leaving the house. He could stay awake or refuse to leave their bed for days on end. It was a struggle, but he loved Taeyang far too much to let him cope with this on his own. 

"What if I went first?"

Every muscle in Hansol's body tensed up. He knew Taeyang could feel his reaction. 

"Don't joke about things like that."

"I'm serious. It would be better for both of us." He knew Taeyang was crying again. He didn't have to see the elder's face to know that. 

He pulled the small boy in even closer, feeling the wetness of Taeyang's tears on his neck as sobs wracked through the brunette's body. He wished he could make Taeyang see how much he was worth, how much he would be missed, how many people loved him. But he knew none of that would get through to the elder. They had been down this path enough times. Bringing Taeyang back from the brink was easier said than done. 

"I love you, Taeyang. I know it's selfish, but I don't want to be without you. Please, just stay. I can make this better, I know I can. It's gonna be fine." He cursed his voice for wavering. He had to be the strong one. Taeyang was too fragile to cope with how much this upset Hansol. The brunette already saw himself as a burden, anything else might tip him over the edge. 

"I love you too, Hansol." Taeyang's sobs started to subside as he nuzzled back into Hansol's chest, fingers creeping under the blonde's shirt to trace small patterns onto the soft skin of his hip. 

Hansol allowed a small smile to break into his lips, silently thanking God that Taeyang had calmed down. He hated seeing his boyfriend like that. 

He pulled Taeyang's grey hood off his head, pressing a gentle kiss to the elder's messy hair. 

"Try and sleep, precious."

  
_so come along, it wont be long  
'til we return happy._

  
He watched the elder lose himself in the fresh air of the countryside, inhaling deeply, eyes fluttering shut, fingers skimming through the waist high maidengrass. 

He smiled softly to himself, catching up to Taeyang, intertwining his fingers with the brunette's. 

Taeyang beamed back at him, dimple digging deep into his right cheek. His heart clenched. He couldn't remember the last time he saw Taeyang smile that brightly. Or at all, for that matter. 

"There's a stream down here, come on." Hansol giggled as Taeyang pulled him through the field, the two of them almost tripping over rocks and rabbit holes hidden by the long grass as they raced towards the water. 

Taeyang jumped down onto the riverbank, holding his hand out for Hansol to join him. The blonde hesitated, it was about a 60cm drop, and to say Hansol was scared of heights would be an understatement. Even this made him anxious. What if he broke his ankle or something?

Taeyang's eyes met his, bright and hopeful. He whined. He took a deep breath. He closed his eyes. He jumped. 

A pair of arms wrapped around his waist, catching him. A pair of lips grazed his own, making them quirk up into a catlike smile. He leaned into it, allowing Taeyang to catch his plush bottom lip with his own thinner ones, arms snaking around the elder's shoulders. 

Taeyang pulled away first, three words on the tip of his tongue that didn't need to be said aloud. The brunette turned to face the stream, eyes sparkling, mirroring the reflection of the sun on the rippling water. 

Taeyang sat by the edge of the water, stretching out as he took in the scents of being outdoors. He couldn't remember the last time he left their stagnant appartment. 

He lay back against the ground, sighing contentedly as the soft grass tickled the back of his neck. 

Hansol joined him, lying on his side so he could take in the view of the brunette. 

Taeyang looked himself. Glowy skin, warm, chocolate eyes, a slight smile playing on his lips, dimple indented in his cheek. It was a stark contrast to the gaunt face and dark circles he had become accustomed to over the past few months. 

  
_shut your eyes, there are no lies  
in this world we call sleep._

  
"Do you think we can sleep here tonight? Like, is it legal?" 

Hansol laughed softly. He knew Taeyang loved to sleep. He knew the elder loved that he didn't have to think or feel. He could be at peace, and that the majority of the time his dreams were somewhere nice that he could escape to. Somewhere bright and airy, anywhere but the apartment he couldn't bring himself to leave. 

"I don't see why not, shut your eyes." Hansol brushed his fingers over Taeyang's eyelids, urging the elder to close them as he shifted to lie on his back. 

Taeyang hummed, curling into Hansol, resting his head on the blonde's chest. He missed this; feeling happy. 

  
_let's desert this day of hurt,  
tomorrow we'll be free. _

  
"Taeyang, you aren't going to leave me, right?"

Taeyang's fingers tightened around the soft material of Hansol's t-shirt. 

  
_let's not fight. i'm tired, can't we just sleep tonight?_

  
He knew exactly what the blonde was getting at, and it usually ended in an argument. The last thing he wanted as an argument. He was too tired to argue. 

He didn't want to have this conversation here. He didn't want to have it at all. He knew Hansol was terrified of losing him and he hated that he couldn't promise the younger that he would always be around. 

"I...I'll try not to." He spoke into the younger's chest, his own heart rate increasing. He felt like a liar.  

  
_don't turn away, it's just there's nothing left here to say._  

  
He felt the blonde's chest rise sharply underneath him. He knew exactly what he was doing to the younger. But Hansol was all he had left. He had tried to make him go so many times, save him from getting caught up in Taeyang's shit. But Hansol refused to budge. He wouldn't leave Taeyang's side. 

"I love you, Hansol, no matter what, I'll always love you. Promise me, you'll never forget that." 

He felt drops soak through his shirt, wrapping around the shaking form in his arms. Tears stung his own eyes, but he willed them away. 

"I love you too, Taeyang, no matter what."

  
_turn around, i know we're lost but soon we'll be found._

  
Hansol rolled onto his side, stretching out his stiff limbs. His eyes snapped open as he realised the blankets beside him were cold. 

Taeyang wasn't there this time. He was alone. 

  
_well it's been rough but we'll be just fine._

  
"Taeyang?"

  
_work it out, yeah, we'll survive,_

  
His pulse raced as he realised the elder boy's jacket and shoes were gone. 

  
_you mustn't let a few bad times dictate._  

  
He stepped out of their room, calling for the elder. He wasn't in the apartment at all. 

He rang Taeyang's phone, frowning as his call was rejected. Why wasn't he answering?

  
_so come along, it wont be long_  
_'til we return happy._  
_shut your eyes, there are no lies_  
_in this world we call sleep._  
_let's desert this day of hurt_  
_tomorrow we'll be free._  

  
He tried again, sighing as Taeyang's phone cut off a second time. He sent the elder a text, telling him to stop playing games and pick up his phone. 

He hated when Taeyang did this. 

  
_let's not fight. i'm tired, can't we just sleep tonight?_

  
He made his way to the kitchen, figuring he may as well have breakfast since he was up. He wouldn't be able to go back to sleep until he knew where Taeyang was anyway. 

He checked his phone every few seconds, praying for Taeyang to reply. A melancholy smile graced his lips as he stared at the picture of the two of them on his lockscreen. They looked genuinely happy. Hansol couldn't remember the last time either of them had felt like that. 

  
_don't turn away, it's just there's nothing left here to say_

  
He spotted a folded up piece of paper on the coffee table in the centre of their kitchen, a lump forming in his throat. He took a deep breath, reaching for the note.

Please, God, no.

_'I love you, Hansol, no matter what, I'll always love you. Promise me, you'll never forget that. - Taeyang ♡'_

He quirked an eyebrow. Taeyang never left him cute notes like that. What was going on?

Had he left? Taeyang couldn't go. He couldn't leave like this. He couldn't leave Hansol on his own. 

He ran back to their bedroom, throwing open the wardrobe doors. All of his clothes were still there.

There was a loud knock at the door. 

He breathed a sigh of relief. Taeyang never remembered his keys. He was going to kick off at the brunette for making him worry like that. 

"Kim Hansol?"

_  
turn around, i know we're lost but soon we'll be found_

  
He froze. A tall man dressed in black and white stood on their doorstep. Was that Taeyang's phone? Who was this man, and why did he have Taeyang's phone? 

He blinked a few times, trying to refocus his eyes through the tears. Bile began to rise up in his throat as he made out the badge the man was holding up in front of him. 

"I am very sorry to inform you..."

No. 

He zoned out. The officers lips were moving but no sound was reaching his ears. 

This wasn't happening. 

Taeyang wouldn't do this. He wouldn't do this to Hansol. He wouldn't do this to himself. 

_"No matter what, I'll always love you."_

The words rang in his head as he fell against the doorframe. Taeyang couldn't be gone. He shut his eyes tight, tears streaming down his face. This was just a dream, a nightmare, surely.  

They were fine, they were getting back to being happy. Taeyang was _smiling_. He...

He was saying goodbye. He knew Taeyang didn't like to talk, that was his way of saying goodbye. 

_"What if I went first?"_

He did this for Hansol. He did this so Hansol could be free. No more staying up til 6am holding him until he stopped crying, no more explosive arguments, no more days of silence. Taeyang thought he was making things better. 

Hansol broke down, crying into the sleeves of a sweater that just so happened to be Taeyang's. 

He always knew Taeyang loved him, despite everything. But not this much. 

  
_i know we're lost but soon we'll be found_

 


	2. Ion Square | xejoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Who said unbroken happiness is a bore?_
> 
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> Bloc Party - Ion Square (Intimacy, 2008)  
> Jeon Hojoon / Shin 'Xero' Jiho (Toppdogg)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UHMMMM so this was originally a chanbaek fic but it was annoying me SO MUCH that i used my fave song ever in the entire world for something i dont even ship?? and i feel like this fits so much better and xejoon need more love bc that shit is 100% canon so here we go lol
> 
> this is hands down my favourite song ever i would 100% recommend listening to it while reading it's really calming and the lyrics don't make a lot of sense without kele singing them https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZWJpMasIvo  
> 

_ion square, perspex swings_  
_i breathe out, you breathe in_

 

Jiho inhaled. 

Mango and coconut. Hojoon's shampoo. 

The elder was sprawled out across him, head tucked under Jiho's chin, their breathing synchronised. 

 

_permanent midnight_  
_our love, our love_

 

Jiho loved nights. He always had. But he was pretty sure he preferred them now. He would take Hojoon snuggled into his side, arm draped loosely over his waist, nose whistling lightly as the elder slept beside him over staggering around off his face at 4am any day. 

Hojoon stirred in his arms, Jiho smiled gently at the soft whining noises the brunette always made when he woke up.

"What time's it?"

"Just after midnight."

 

_how we've come to depend_  
_on each other to the end_  
_the space between us has disappeared_  
_you finish my, you finish my words for me_

 

Hojoon tilted his head to look up at the blonde, his caramel hair all mussed up on one side.

Jiho surveyed his boyfriend's face; his soft cheeks, the slight tan of his skin, his delicate pink lips settled into a gentle smile, his dark, catlike eyes, framed with long eyelashes and smudged eyeliner he couldn't really be bothered to take off after getting in from work. He hummed slightly as Hojoon's hand skimmed over his bare torso, arm wrapping tighter around him. He rubbed small circles into the elder's shoulder blades with the pads of his fingers.

They fit together perfectly. It was a cliché, but they really were like two pieces of a puzzle. They needed one another. Jiho wasn't sure what it was like to be without Hojoon anymore. They were a part of each other.

It had been seven years. Seven years since he met Hojoon. Seven years since their first drunken kiss in that grimy club. Two extroverts, often fighting for attention, raised decibels, the wild nights they spent together, the parties, the alcohol, the drugs, the arrests. He couldn't believe he would ever be happy with something like this. But Hojoon changed all that. They had matured, he guessed.

"Happy anniversary, baby." Hojoon smiled reaching up to press a chaste kiss to the younger's lips.

 

_i remember how it began_

 

Jiho's head was spinning. He'd had far too many shots. 

Pink. White. Blue. Red. 

He could barely make out any faces among the flashing lights as he swayed to the music. He had no idea where his friends had disappeared to. His vision was hazy as he stumbled into someone.

"Hey!" The someone elbowed him in the ribs. "You spilled my fucking drink."

"Woah." Jiho's eyes fell on the short blonde glaring up at him. At least he thought he was blonde, his hair had a tint of baby blue, but he wasn't sure if that was just from the lighting. "Cute."

Jiho clamped his jaw shut. That was meant to be a thought not said out loud. 

The blonde's expression softened. "You think I'm cute, huh?" His index finger hooked in between the buttons of Jiho's shirt. "Then you can buy me another drink."

He was still surprised he didn't fall over as Hojoon dragged him to the bar. Getting drunk when your limbs were as long as Jiho's was always a problem, he was rarely in control. 

He couldn't take his eyes off Hojoon as the elder danced around him. The way his hips moved, his fingers running through his hair, how he pressed up against Jiho, arms looped around the taller boy’s waist, encouraging him to sway along to the beat. 

"You have pretty lips."

"What?" He could barely make out what Hojoon was saying over the loud bass of the club. 

"I said, you have pretty lips!" Hojoon rose up on his toes, voice raised just as the music died down a little. He giggled to himself softly as a few pairs of eyes fell on them, the tips of Jiho's ears reddening. 

He lunged forwards, wanting to know if Jiho's lips felt as good as they looked. They did. He liked the way the small metal ball above Jiho's Cupid's bow felt against his skin. He tasted a little like tequila, but Hojoon didn't mind; he probably tasted like rum anyway. He whimpered, jaw dropping without Jiho even having to ask for an entrance as long fingers tangled in his hair. 

Jiho's head was swimming, and he was pretty sure it wasn't just because of how much he had drank. He moaned lowly as mental clinked against his teeth. He had always had a thing for piercings, Hojoon was no exception. 

"Hojoon!"

It ended all too quickly as one of Hojoon's friends called for him; clearly he had gotten separated from his friends too. His mind was hazy, a mixture of alcohol and...lust? Love at first sight? No that was crazy, there was no way something like that existed. He barely registered what was happening as Hojoon pushed the sleeve of his shirt up, revealing his forearm. He had no idea what Hojoon was doing scrawling on his arm in liquid eyeliner, but he hoped it wouldn't rub off before he had sobered up the next day. 

And then he was gone. Pulled back through the crowd of people by what Jiho could only assume was his friend. He hoped it was his friend. What if it was his boyfriend? 

He couldn't see Hojoon anymore, and he wasn't in any fit state to look for the other. Or any of his friends for that matter. He made his way out of the club, just managing to flag down a taxi and get himself home. He wished his eyes would focus properly so he could decipher what the black marks on his arm were. 

 

_so many great days in a row_  
_barefoot on bishopsgate_  
_trying to find blake's grave_

 

The next day he figured out it was Hojoon's phone number. It took him a while to muster up the courage to dial the faded numbers, but he had never regretted it since. 

Hojoon was exactly what he needed. Jiho had finally met his match. Someone to challenge him. Someone to push him out of his comfort zone. Someone to go out with for a casual drink and come home four days later after a spontaneous trip to Amsterdam. Someone to mill around the city with. Someone to fuck. Someone to cause trouble with. Someone to find new interests with. Someone to fall in love with. 

It didn't take long. For him to fall in love. For Hojoon to move in. After only a couple of weeks Jiho wasn't sure he could bear waking up without him, or Hojoon waking up with anyone else.

_if we could stay like this in a silver foil_  
_trapped in amber for a life_  
_permanent midnight_  
_our love, our love_

 

"Happy anniversary, Joon."

He really didn't know when they became _'anniversary'_ people. When they preferred spending time with one another, just lying in bed instead of partying until they got bored and Hojoon finding himself pinned to the bathroom wall of some dingy club screaming Jiho's name. When they were younger he lived for the nights. Wished they'd never end. He still felt the same, but for completely different reasons. 

 

_i carry your heart here with me_  
_i carry it in my heart_  
_i carry your heart with me_  
_i carry it in my heart_

 

Hojoon's fingers ghosted over the constellation of dots and stars inked into Jiho's skin, on the left side of his chest, just above his heart. Scorpio. Hojoon's star sign. He had a matching Aquarius one in the exact same place.

He smiled to himself as he remembered getting them. One night in Ibiza, on Hojoon's 23rd birthday, they staggered into some tattoo parlour. Their parents had been getting on at them; Jiho sister was engaged, and they didn't see why the two of them weren't thinking about their future in the same way. But that just wasn't them. They didn't need rings or big family gatherings with expensive suits and flowers and vows. It all just seemed like a waste of money, something for their parents to show off to old friends. They didn't need some piece of paper to prove they were in love, they already knew they were. It didn't matter to them who else knew.

That's where the tattoos came from. They were private, intimate, in a place only one another would see. They didn't have an obvious meaning to most people. It was just for them.

 

_who said unbroken happiness_  
_is a bore, is a bore?_  
_who said it, my love? i don't mind it_  
_anymore, anymore_

 

Hojoon was known as a party animal throughout his youth. He would skip school, sneak into pubs and clubs, go home with men twice his age. If anyone would have told 20 year old Hojoon that he would spend his nights curled up in the arms of the same man he'd been with for seven years watching period dramas and reminiscing about their day at work; he would have laughed in their face. Back then, that was his idea of hell. Being boring was his idea of hell.

But was it really that boring? Being in love with one man? Wanting to spend as much time as possible with that one man? Even if that time mainly involved just lying around doing nothing?

He wasn't so sure it was anymore. He never felt bored with Jiho. He felt happy, happier than he ever imagined anyone could feel. How could that be boring? If anything, it got the point where getting smashed every night became boring.  

 

_and i reach out a hand over your side of the bed_  
_pull that blanket over your shoulders exposed to the night_  
_and the hunger of those early years will never return_  
_but i don't mind, i don't mind_

 

It was weird. They were both two of the loudest people they knew when they were in company. Jiho's raucous laughter would accompany Hojoon's quick wit. It was something everyone always commented on. They were the life and soul of the party, even if the parties they attended these days were less sambuca shots and dancing and more red wine and cheeseboards.

But when it was just the two of them, they were more than happy to lie in a comfortable silence. They didn't need to constantly keep talking to one another. It wasn't like they didn't have anything to talk about anymore, it just wasn't necessary. There was nothing he loved more than absentmindedly playing guitar, head rested in Jiho's lap as the younger thumbed through a magazine.

He never imagined it would be like this between them.

He had loved his life when he was younger. He had loved waking up with a dull pain in his lower back and a pounding in his head. He had loved the numbing sensation of snorting cocaine. He had loved dancing til the sun came up. He had loved dealing with hangovers by getting even more drunk the next morning.

But now...it was something he didn't even think about. He had no interest in that. He didn't yearn for the good old days at all.

 

_cause i love my mind when i'm fucking you_  
_slowed down to a crawl_  
_years of crime and the bread line_  
_have not at all dimmed your shine_

 

Hojoon gasped as Jiho moved inside him, eyes fluttering shut as he whispered out the younger's name.

Even this wasn't boring to them; taking it slow. Gone were the days of Hojoon pouncing on Jiho as soon as the younger got home. Gone were the sneaky handjobs under tables. Gone were the lovebites and handcuffs and chokers. Gone was the daily fucking.

Jiho couldn't actually remember the last time they were this intimate; there was once a time where that was mainly how they communicated, through fucking. But now, it just wasn't necessary anymore. Sure, they still made love, they still had sex, Jiho still found Hojoon insatiable. But it wasn't the main focus of their relationship.

Jiho moaned as Hojoon's legs tightened around his waist, pulling him in closer, their chests flush against one another, breath heavy, skin glistening with a thin layer of sweat as moved in tandem.

Even after everything, he still adored Hojoon. Even after that time they were both thrown in the back of a police car when Hojoon convinced him they should steal the takings from their local pub's till. Even after that huge argument that almost brought them to breaking point. Even after being evicted from their first flat together due to skipping paying rent for almost three months. Even through all the shitty jobs and overdrafts and microwave meals back when they could barely afford to eat. Hojoon was still perfect to him, he still shone.

Everything seemed to slow down as Hojoon's eyes locked on his own. His eyelids were heavy, irises dark, swimming with something he recognised. It wasn't lust or passion like it would have been in the past. He was fairly certain it was love. 

 

_so let's stay in, let the sofa be our car_

 

They didn't need the road trips or spontaneous excursions. 

 

_let's stay in, let the tv be our stars_

 

They didn't need the romantic picnics that turned into late night stargazing. 

 

_i found my dancing shoes but they don't fit_

 

They didn't need the clubs where they spent their youth; where they met. 

 

_all the bright lights they do is bore me_

 

They didn't need Paris or New York or Milan. 

 

_they bore me_

 

They didn't need the sloppy public displays of affection strewn across social media.

 

_they bore me_

 

All they needed was each other. 

 

_i carry your heart here with me_  
_i carry it in my heart_  
_i carry your heart with me_  
_i carry it in my heart_


End file.
